These Feelings
by bartiti
Summary: a short Ryuko centric monologue on her feelings for satsuki, and the turmoil that comes with them. rated T for one instance of swearing.


What did it feel like? Like I was drowning. Like my lungs could give out at any moment and my heart would explode under the crush of the surf. As if, no matter how hard I struggled I was only getting pulled deeper into the abyss. As odd as it may be, a part of me - most of me – wanted to drown, the thought of finding an end in that darkness was pleasing. In the back of my mind I registered as strange wrongness to it all, maybe because it was my sister who drowning me. And it had soon turned into all of me wanting to meet the consequences when I heard those words a mere minute a go.

"I think I love you"

What did it feel like? It felt like I was in love with my older sister. A sick and twisted thing to most, but something true and inescapable to me, trust me, I've tried to get away.

Seeing her before me, rather abashed, was a sight to behold. No longer was she warrior who would save the world or the president of the student council at a prestigious school, she was magically transformed into a blushing teenage girl in love. And in our current state I couldn't say I was any different. As soon as the words left her mouth I kissed her, it was my first, hers too. It wasn't "fairy tale" after all we were no story book princesses, it was sudden and rough, something that better matched our styles. It was still magic and it had an effect on me stronger than any spell from a book would have been able to conjure.

"We shouldn't be doing th-"she started, but I didn't let her finish.

With my hand on the back of her head I pulled her in again and tasted oblivion. The world faded away, it was as if the universe had never existed in the first place. It was as though there was only ever us and the sound of our hearts pounding against our ribs like deranged birds trying to escape their cages. To tell the truth she tasted like I would expect any part of her to taste: _delicious. _I could hear a dull shout, a begging noise in the back of my mind screaming _more, MORE!_

My sister shuddered from the closeness, it was not one brought on by pleasure but the feeling of fear. My thirst, quenched instantly, I pulled away from her quickly. I made sure to keep my hand on hers, the last thing I wanted her to think was that I might throw her away like a worn out pair of shoes.

I didn't ask if she was okay, I knew she wasn't

I knew,

I sure as fuck knew we weren't okay

Our mother had damaged us in unimaginable ways, scarred and ruined us until it left us as broken things clinging to this sick love. But there was something I found undeniably beautiful in the shared scars that we bore. It was something that separated us from everyone else and created a bond and a void that could not be filled by anyone else. A bond so unique, twisted and damaged that it was unnameable, "sisters" barely did it justice, and we were something more than that and something less. It was now that I hopped we would be able to label that bond as _lovers_.

"I am okay" it came from her

I started to retort with "you definitely n-" but it was my turn to be silenced by the her wrath and the audible smack of lips hitting lips.

She had pulled me towards her and kissed me with a kind of pain and passion our first two lacked, there was a bitter sweetness to it that shook me to my core. So I cursed, I cursed our mother for making us like this, I cursed human's limitation for holding breath, which I knew would soon cut this kiss short, and I cursed a that society could ever label _this _as wrong when it felt so _right_. I cursed so many thing that the list isn't worth recollecting. I cursed everything but the girl in front of me and our twisted love.

We separated due to those hated human limits and our requirements to breath, with our foreheads still touching, our lungs started to take on air. Our breaths meeting between us and intermingling to form a scent completely _ours_ and only ours, a scent I decided I very much liked.

"well I know I love you" I started, displaying a shit faced grin at my current "situation"

She released a quite almost strangled laugh, it was beautiful. I found everything about her to be beautiful, even the scars. Both seen and unseen. I loved every inch of the broken woman in front of me.

"I love you too" came her quick but jarringly firm reply, it only served to expand my smile. The fact that she felt what I was feeling only made me fall more in love with her. I was stuck in that hopeless tide that would never ebb. Sinking deeper and deeper each passing moment. Only these feeling were something that I knew I wanted to drown in, to completely surround me and swallow me whole, like the endlessness of the sea I wanted to get lost in this.

I dove in, kissing her again.


End file.
